Author | Joseph L. Selby

QUERY: THE TRIAD SOCIETY (a draft)

Part of the webinar I posted about earlier is a query critique. I’ve already queried out BM&BBQ and WCO, so it’s time to bite the bullet on TTS. Below is a first draft query letter. Your constructive feedback is greatly appreciated.


Otwald d’Kilrachen intervenes when Torvald d’Bluefire’s dissolution of an affair turns violent. Otwald delivers Torvald to the authorities and sends the injured woman to the hospital. But when she never arrives, Torvald accuses him of kidnapping her, the Princess Annelie. On the run, Otwald searches a city fractured into rival societies. He must find Princess Annelie and exonerate his name, but in so doing, may spark a revolution.

THE TRIAD SOCIETY is a 95,000-word light-steampunk/fantasy. This will be my first novel publication.

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Otwald wants nothing more than to live his life as a count’s son should, with honor, duty, and service. He sees the kingdom crumbling under the weight of its own bureaucracy, the capital breaking into rival factions, and wonders if his family is to blame. They control the garrison. His brother lead the soldiers during the massacre at Kester Square. And they murdered him for it.

Mourning the death of his brother, Otwald intervenes when he sees three nobles attacking a young woman. A nobleman should know better. A nobleman should act better. He defeats them all, turns them into the authorities, and sends the woman off to the hospital. The legal bureaucracy is turned against him. He must find the woman to exonerate himself, but she never made it to the hospital. To find her, he may strike the spark that finally ignites revolution.

THE TRIAD SOCIETY is an 85,000-word light-steampunk fantasy with series potential. This would be my first novel publication.

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7 responses to “QUERY: THE TRIAD SOCIETY (a draft)”

  1. Elizabeth Poole

    Okay, this is a good start. I think it's a little slow though, and you're spending valuable space setting some back story up where you should be focusing on the exciting "OMG" stuff.

    A couple of things:

    Why would Otwald think his family is to blame for the bureaucracy? I understand he's part of the noble class, but I don't see the connection that Otwald would make between him being part of the noble class, and him being part of the problem. If anything, I would have guessed Otwald thinks he was helping the systems with his good work as an honest nobleman, or be angry with the rebels for killing his brother, not think "clearly it's the system that's the problem, therefore I am a problem even though I am a good guy".

    So what exactly shows Otwald that the bureaucracy is the problem?

    As a side note, you might consider leaving this part out of the query, since it's very likely you show this just fine through out the book, but it's hard to explain in one sentence.

    I think your first paragraph is essentially back story, something we don't need right away. Maybe you could weave that stuff in through out the rest of the query, but right now I don't want to hear about a noble's speculation on what might be up with his government. I want to hear about how he sent a woman to the hospital and she never made it there! Holy crap!

    Also, because you didn't include that this woman is a princess, which means extra trouble for Otwald since he was the last person to see her, it doesn't make sense why the bureaucracy is turned against him.

    I also think the lines "A nobleman should know better. A nobleman should act better." are…cheesy. I get that Otwald doesn't agree with the other nobles decision to attack a woman by the fact that he intervenes. Saying "A nobleman…" right afterward feels a little preachy and forced, and definitely not worth the precious query space.

    I think you should focus on what you just started to get into in the last two sentences. The heart of the plot: Otwald saves a woman, who turns out to be more than she seems, and gets tangled up in a web of lies, deceit, and revolution.

    You also have no clear antagonist in this query. Who opposes Otwald? Do those nobles escape from prison, frame him, and start an elaborate plan to bring down the old government with himself as the new Dictator for life? I suspect the antagonist is the entire system of the government, but you still need human faces on antagonists like these, so focus on what human serves as a servant of the system.

    It sounds like you have a great book in the works here. You've got a reluctant hero who gets framed for kidnapping a princess, a nefarious nobleman who wants…something, I am sure, and a country on the verge of revolution (VIVA LA REVOLUTION! Sorry, I had to say it once.) Let's just put some of this back story stuff aside and work with the meat of your story.

    On a side note, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited about that webinar! Kristin said we don't have to submit our query letters right away, that we had a year to do so.

    Are you going to wait until TTS is edited to submit your query for critique? I plan to wait, since my book isn't even written yet. I can get it written and critiqued in a couple of months. Then I plan to submit my query letter. That way, on the off chance she DOES decide to request a partial, I don't have to say, "Ummm, the book isn't finished being written yet."

    I figure, even if she doesn't request a partial, you can take fix what she critiqued, and then query her, stating your were part of the webinar in the agent line. 😀

    Reply
  2. Joseph L. Selby

    Thank you for your comments. I do not know whether I'll update this post or make a new one when I revise.

    Humorously, I am intensely sensitive about query comments because I'm so bad at it. Chop up my novel all you want. It'll only make it better (or you're wrong ;), but I actually have to read this paragraph by paragraph because I can't read it all at once. I are a wuss.

    And yeah, I'm going to wait and revise the Triad Society before I send in a query. Fingers crossed, if I do a good job and they ask to see more, I don't want to say "I'll get back to you in six months." I MAY switch back to TTS when Jehovah kills the first person on his hitlist. Rule 1, subclause A says that a wip can be suspended to return to a previously completed first draft for revision. So I wouldn't actually be breaking the rules.

    Reply
  3. Elizabeth Poole

    Awwwwwwww *hugs him* I know. I really hate to rain on your parade, but I want you to do well! It's funny that I like offering critiques on things, because I want people to do well, but I HATE to be the bearer of bad news. But I want Kristin to read your query and say, "Holy crap, I need to know what happens RIGHT NOW."

    That's actually kinda cute you're more bothered by query critiques than novel critiques. I've seen much, much worst queries. Not to mention my own. And queries are much easier to revise than a novel. 😀

    Have you seen Zoe Who? There's a really funny line in there, where the guy says, "Who doesn't want to write another query letter?" 😉

    Queries are hell. I hate writing them with a passion that rivals a thousand suns. There's soooooo much pressure. I always feel like if I leave one crucial detail out, they will reject my book. Which isn't true of course.

    You did a great job with this first stab, and it will only get better. We can email back and forth if you think that would be easier/more efficient.

    Have you seen Kristin's archive on query pitches? http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2007/10/pitching-and-all-that-jazz.html

    I think I might re-read that. Like studying before a test. 😀

    I just asked about getting critiques past the webninar. I know Chuck said we could, but I don't see how since the webinar will be archived, and Kristin won't actually be there while you're watching the archived version.

    Reply
  4. Joseph L. Selby

    No, no, no, I'm very thankful that you did. I need the tough love. (Thank you, Mistress Elizabeth, may I have another?) I'm just laughing at myself because I'm always so hard nosed about my and other people's writing. I've made someone cry when I edited his short story. But suck up the query and here I am at my desk all mopey and shit. 🙂

    It says after the session we can submit a revised query. I'm assuming we just put it in the subject header. WEBINAR REVISION or something. I'm sure it'll come up during the session. Still, I want to bring my A game there.

    What is Zoe Who? Is that a webcomic or a video miniseries or que?

    Reply
  5. Elizabeth Poole

    That "Mistress Elizabeth" comment made me laugh so hard I choked on my tea.

    If it will make you feel better, my second to last post has a happy sun and a rainbow in it. You could look at those picture to cheer you up. 😀

    Zoe Who? Is a short video that an indie author made to promote her book. It's funny: http://blogs.publishersweekly.com/blogs/beyondherbook/?p=1623

    Reply
  6. Joseph L. Selby

    Second draft is up. I'm not sure if it's any better.

    Reply
  7. Joseph L. Selby

    Just read it an hour later. Nope. No better. It may actually be worse.

    Reply

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